Chapter 4
An angry young man
On 25 June 2005 I decided to start a personal diary which eventually became a navigation aid to help me steer a course through increasingly dark and conflicting emotions and thoughts as I drew closer to the end of my life in the cult.
This is the first time I have revealed anything of substance from my diary – this will be the first of several passages I intend to quote on my blog as evidence for how evil religious cults are. I am thankful that I managed to burst through into the daylight of the real world relatively unscathed in the long term. Many ex-cult members suffer for years with nightmares, drug and alcohol abuse and some even suffer mental illnesses.
This is an entry from my diary, 10 May 2007, just over one year before I left the cult:
Back in reality, anger surges through me and I clench my fist so hard I think the skin on the back of my hand is about to split. Let it go, don’t hold onto that anger and resentment. Yes, you know you have it in you for if the time comes and you need to draw the line. That next remark, toxic, inappropriate, unconsidered; no – put an end to it. [...] I let everything slide to ensure peace. But no more. Draw the line. Open the curtains. Sheltered life indeed – but no more. This is war. No, don’t you interrupt – you stay the fuck out of this one. I will not put up with your shit any more.
I am there – hands planted on the table, the voice; it won’t let me down – I have it in me. It is all still there, deep down, enslaved by the voice of reason and peace, many, many hours of meditation, thought, reflection, determination – bring that monster to it’s knees and cage it. But it is still there, and it is fed by the things that I choose to not digest myself.
My reference to a “voice” took several forms over the time between 2005 and 2008 as I attempted to identify something within me that was at odds with what I thought I should be. A few months after this I named the voice Jim and even had conversations with the personification of my suppressed rage that came from not being able to make sense of my world. Speaking of mental illnesses I’m surprised I didn’t develop schizophrenia.
It continues …
The evil warmth of that flame in the darkness, the reminder – what will it take; when will it happen; when will that beast be unleashed and how much destruction will it take before it’s appetite is satisfied? Just a comment? Just one loud retort? An argument? Violence? Injury? Death? Serial murders and arson? I don’t see an end – I see all as possibilities; but what beyond those scenarios I’ve imagined? Do I give myself up? Or does the monster take over, and go on to commit genocide? Leave a trail of destruction in it’s wake. I have felt it’s strength and it’s drive – the magnitude of which far exceed anything I can muster up by will alone.
It scares me, haunts me – my duty is to ensure it stays behind bars for as long as I can last; for as long as I will take it lying down, but it will have it’s day. It will have its day.
Powerful stuff. There’s plenty more where that came from.
I am so happy I am in a far better place now.
What a blog, I am so glad you have posted this, I used to belong to this appalling cancerous organisation. It’s been 18 months now and I don’t want to go near another one, I have no desire, in fact it’s made me agnostic.
Keep up the posts.
People rarely ‘develop’ schizophrenia. It generally seems to be that one will have a predisposition to it and that something ’set it off’.
Your situation would most likely lead you to be more susceptible to PTSD which of course I would sincerely hope you don’t ever develop.
Very brave of you to share your story, not just for yourself, but for others. Are there support groups for people who have undergone abuse at the hands of cults?
Hi Nathanael,
I was “sucked” into a church prior to my dark days, i was tub baptised and taught to speak in “tongues”…
If you repeat halelluea (sp) over and over and over again, your word will change. being able to interpret the word is the surprise. if I speak gibberish, the interpretation is whatever the pastor wants. and truth be told, the only time I was “called” to interpret when there was a new Potential member in the congregation.
shame that I spoke my mind, not what the pastor wanted.
That got me a shift to the back of the congregation, and never was i called upon to read scripture. My “evil corruption of other members” culminated with the discovery that I had brought alcohol to an event that was church organised… I didn’t escape, they threw me out. I had been accused of listening to evil music, devil music – in reflection, probably not a good idea to listen to iron maiden in my car… and I was alone in the world, former friends saw straight through me, my girlfriend was forced by her father to do the same, and it I gave up my evil ways, they would let me back – after a period of purification…
I am a christian. I go to church sometimes – ok, I am a registry christian, and go for births, deaths and marriages, I read the bible for support sometimes, but I don’t judge others for their race, colour, sexual orientation, personal religious beliefs.
I speak to my priest regularly, we argue about all sorts of stuff (New priest, new church) and sometimes these discussions are accentuated by a glass of port…
There are many of us out there Nathanael, we just deal with the past differently. Good on you for making your world known to us all.
Peter
Nate, so glad you are out of that place! Thumbs Up to you!
I think when one feels abused & beaten down there is a whole lot of unresolved anger. Been there too.
Anger IMHO is festering in those types of abusive groups….especially from the pulpit. I don’t know if your leader was known for screaming from the pulpit, but I heard more than my fair share of it. I’ve read that those who scream & yell a lot from the pulpit have unresolved anger issues..???
I have read that followers often emulate their leaders, so if the leader projects an angry & condemning countenance…this will reflect back from the congregation.
Just a thought.
Perhaps you weren’t the only person to feel the way you did.
Hopefully in time you will heal more & more. :-)
It’s a journey……
Nat,
thankyou so much for sharing your inner thoughts with us all. I cannot imagine what it was like for you or anyone else growing up in this oppressive place?
I respect what you are doing and I am soooooo glad that you left. We all have the right to be able to think for ourselves. If we put a label on all the pastors belonging to this particular church, would they all be considered sociopaths??? I guess your girlfriend would have more of an insight into this area hey?
Bravo!!!
Journals are amazing, to see where one was (in their head) at a particular time. It is sometimes like reading about someone else’s life.
Thanks for sharing this Nathanael!
*************
I too named parts of me. Somehow it helped me to personify these different parts of me.
I named my shame, Nanna. She is a little girl.
My fear, Sally, a timid horse.
My abandonment, Abe, who looks similar to the Pillsbury Dough boy.
There is also the gardener, John…a gentle giant.
The Tender, an elderly man who oils the gears.
And recently … a gremlin.
Sounds odd, and that’s o.k. :-)
Hi Carol, no not odd at all. Having been there I can totally understand. If it helps you cope and make sense of the world, to put things into neat boxes that you can move around or put away then it’s a good thing.
Thanks Nate…
I’m not sure how neat my boxes are…
:-D …but I get what you’re saying.
Looking forward to your next entry.
Cheers!
~carol :-)
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