Chapter 10

One piece at a time

I’ve been on medication for a few months now and had my fifth session with a psychologist yesterday as part of my mental health plan and my recovery from depression.

I’ve realised this week that while I’ve come a long way since leaving the cult I still have a long way to go. Perhaps I’ve been getting complacent or a little hard on myself, but I’m feeling relieved in the knowledge that I’m still on a journey and should be diligent to not forget the magnitude of spiritual abuse and damage done by the cult.

As I said to my psych in yesterday’s session, just five years ago I was the complete opposite of the person I am now. I was just at the start of the period where I began to doubt the teachings of the church and my understanding of the world through that teaching. I was very much a believer; I despised sinners and those outside the church, I believed my purpose in life was to preach the Word of God and convert sinners to Christianity, I believed the church was about love and grace and I could not understand the stupidity and foolishness of people who left the church. That’s me just five years ago.

Now I’ve come a complete 180 degrees from that and what a head-trip it has been! Three years of struggling alone with doubts, terrified of judgement and eternal damnation for even questioning the truth, becoming detached from reality, retreating within myself to a point where my body was a mere puppet that I manipulated into being whatever I thought the current situation expected of me.

Every couple of weeks I’ll come across situations that remind me of something from my previous life, things that challenge me and make me realise there are still parts of my life I live according to that old mental model and belief system that I need to evaluate and make up my own mind on.

There are the really big things that I’m still struggling with such as whether or not I believe in a God at all and whether there’s an afterlife but I don’t want to make my mind up about such things based on fear and so I’ve been working with my psych the past few weeks dealing with this fear so I can live my life peaceably and then decide what I believe in from neutral ground.

It’s not possible to make a hard cut-over from such a deeply superstitious, hierarchical, imposing and fear-driven way of life that embeds itself all the way into your mental, emotional and spiritual being across to a new, free and independent life; it takes time to slowly disassemble one and build up the other. My therapy is in part about acknowledging that I did have a life before June 2008 and I can’t ignore it because it is a part of me.

It’s not easy; I’ll admit I don’t think I’ve made it through one session yet without getting teary. It’s painful experiencing that anger, frustration, loneliness and anxiety again but it’s necessary and already after five sessions I’ve felt a merging of my “before” and “since” life, becoming a whole person, healing the hurt, releasing pent-up and unhandled emotions and stress.

But it’s very much one piece at a time, bringing across the things I still have use for and discarding the bits I no longer want.

I’m still trying to figure out who I am and my own opinions on things. Some days I feel at the mercy of the winds, thrown around because I have no firm grip on my sense of self and identity. But I’m working on it.