Chapter 1
Introduction
A year before I was born back in the early 80’s my parents stumbled across religion. It wasn’t a new experience for them, least of all my mother who was raised an Italian Catholic. But there was something about this Christian church they found that really grabbed them and they were hooked. Thus I had the misfortune of being born and raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult.
This is my story of my life in that cult and my journey which led to me finally being able to let go and leave at the age of 25, less than two years ago. I say “escape” because it truly was like breaking free of a prison – and hopefully by sharing my story I can help you understand what that means.
It took me several months after leaving that place for me to finally be able to call it a cult. It checked all the right boxes but I couldn’t accept it; I still had some lingering respect for that institution and such blasphemy made me feel very uncomfortable for some time.
So I will use “cult” and “church” interchangeably throughout this blog when referring to the place which I was a member of for the first 25 years of my life, mainly because while I now accept it was a cult I believe most people will better relate to the religious connotations of “church” rather than the popular image of cults as anti-social groups of goat-slayers and devil-worshippers.
By sharing my story I want to show the world that there are many people who have been brainwashed into believing lies about the nature of the Universe, the afterlife and our purpose here on Earth. I used to go around telling people how they should repent of their sins and come and worship God. Yes, I used to do that. Don’t dismiss the evangelists – some of them don’t want to live that life but they can’t escape, can’t believe there is an alternative. I want to encourage you to keep an open mind when dealing with such people. Don’t broaden the gap any further between their life and the rest of the world.
As a kid I watched many of my friends leave the church never to hear from them or about them ever again. They just disappeared into the “world”. They were branded as “back-sliders” and their name spat out with contempt followed by declarations of the fate that would await them in the next life, eternal torture of unimaginable magnitude in the fiery pits of Hell. Young children weren’t immune from the fearmongering propagated by the ministers and members of the church.
For those reading this who are in such a fundamentalist church situation … well if you’re here then it means you at least have an open mind and possibly contemplating leaving. I encourage you to continue reading so you may make a rational decision as whether to stay or leave. I struggled for several years before leaving; hopefully I can help you take a shortcut and save you the sleepless nights and the pain.
I am not against religion, I am not against Christianity. I know many wonderful people who are church-goers – obviously none from my previous life as I have been completely cut off from everyone I knew before I left – and I respect them and their faith and lifestyle. If it makes you happy, if it enhances your quality of life then go for it, I won’t try and stop you. But I am against caustic, damaging religion that cripples people’s free will and spirit and crushes them into conforming with a nonsensical doctrine that invades every aspect of their life.
Whilst I’ll try to keep this blog clean and civil there is a chance I may swear occasionally, especially when quoting from my personal diary which I started keeping in the final years of my previous life to help me steady the boat and keep track of my chaotic threads of thought and emotion. I will not blaspheme or use the Lord’s name in vain however – I do not intend to offend anyone with my writings and I want to encourage atheists through to deeply religious persons to read and participate.
As far as my current beliefs and religious alignment goes, well I’m still figuring that out but for now I claim that I am agnostic.
Please feel free to share your thoughts by leaving a comment and discussing amongst yourselves what I publish on my blog. Keep in mind though that this is still a very sensitive subject for me and even though I feel safe writing about my experiences I will not tolerate people who attack me. I am continuing to deal with the after-effects of my life change so I ask you be conscious of that and be civil when discussing my personal story. Feel free to ask questions and suggest topics for future blog posts.
My original plan was to write a book and I’ve started on two manuscripts for it but abandoned that project in favour of starting this blog which eventually I will adapt to the printed book format.
Thank you for being willing to share your experiences with us Nathanael. I hope the process will help others to question their situation…
I have always found religion, especially Christianity, a curious thing. Coming from a mostly spiritual rather than religious family I am very interested to read this blog :) Look forward to more entries.
Hi NathanaelB, thank you so much for sharing your story. Much of what you have written about so far resonates with some of my childhood experiences. I will be coming along for the ride as you share your journey to freedom.
Your a very intelligent young man, I’m very proud of you for starting this blog. I believe it will assist you to grow. I’ve Been out of the cult for 11 years and am so happy to of reconnected with you.
well put snoop
This project resonates with me as I feel like you’re also telling my story. I look forward to reading about your experiences and am proud of you for writing about the journey. It’s not easy (I may laugh about my experiences but I still occasionally find it difficult to talk about it.)
hope this evaluation of your life will help you overcome the past. And make for a better future.
Look forward to learning more about your journey. Kudos for the courage to share.
Heyaaa Nath, really looking forward to reading this, I find the topic and discussion of religion fascinating.
Don’t feel like you have to classify yourself as anything until you figure it all out, from my experience it takes a huge leap of faith to be apart of any western religion.
Looking forward to reading more.
Congratulations on having the courage to write about your experiences. I hope that this blog help act as a kind of rudder for your new life.
I for one look forward to learning more about the different life choices people have made and how that affects those around them.
Hey Nat. Well done. It is good to “get out in the open” one’s history, however painful or noble. It is a Step Forward, and a proactive separation from parts of the past that hold us back.
Hopefully we can get together some time and share things.
A
Congratulations on taking the plunge. I’ve been waiting eagerly for you to start it up, as your Twitter references to your experiences have left me curious to hear more.
I’m sure there will be times it is easy to write, and times it will be hard. In the long run, I imagine it will all feel “right”.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and positive feedback – I really appreciate it.
Karl, having kept a diary for the last few years I was in the cult I know how powerful and cathartic writing can be – and I’m also well aware of how terrifying it can be taking mere thoughts and turning them into words on a page when dealing with this subject matter. Hopefully the darkest of those days are behind me but I know that sharing some of my experiences are going to drag me down … but I’m willing to go through that in order to share my experience.
I’m thrilled to be able to read your journey Nathaniel!
I too journaled my way out of the bible-based group with which I was involved for 28 years. It was at least a seven-year process of writing many journals….about 15 or so (I think?).
This past year I began to write memoir which I’m still discovering. It’s a bit different than journaling.
I found I can’t write in chronological order, so I write snippets of the journey and then arrange them in chronological order. That’s just me, but it at least got my writing the story somehow.
I’m linking your blog to mine and will be following along as much as I can!
Congratulations!!!
In hope,
@1person (Twitter)
Nathaniel,
Your memoir blog moves me. I can’t wait to see more!
I specialize in working with spiritual abuse veterans, so I’ve signed up for your news feed.
Also tweeted you to my followers.
I’m adding you to my links and resources page.
If you, or readers, are interested in other Spiritual Abuse memoir blogs, in addition to Carol’s excellent blog above, here are a couple I highly recommend:
Eastern meditation group, leader reportedly claims to be Jesus: http://artoflivingfree.blogspot.com/
Psychic/mystic group: http://leavingsrf.blogspot.com/
PhD researcher writes about her spiritual abuse in political cult: http://cultresearch.org/2009/03/repairing-the-soul/
J.
Really looking forward to reading this. I’m sure anyone still in that situation will have a lot of food for thought in this blog.
Oops ~ *redface* ~ my apologies for misspelling your name Nathanael …
Don’t worry about it Carol, I’m used to it. Most people spell it incorrectly. As long as I know who you’re referring to that’s all that matters :)
Nathanael,keep doing what your doing especily if it helps sort things out.Just remember when times seem bad and dark,you still have family in Whyalla,we will always be there and your always welcome.Your uncle Trevor,married to Diana,good luck Nathanael.
Baby,
It’s so good to see your blog finally live. Its been a long time coming since you first started thinking about writing about your experiences. You have come such a long way. I remember the days when you didnt like me calling it a cult and I wondered if you would ever view it that way yourself. You know you have the support of your extended family (not involved in the cult) and my family, and all your friends. The sky is the limit now babe! I see so much in you and I cant wait until you see it and recognise it too! :)
Nathaneal: My children were also born within the fundamentalist cult I was part of for 30 years. They struggle now with issues that are surely related, at least in part, to that upbringing and conditioning. We freed ourselves from the organization around 2005 and I’m just now realizing it was indeed a cult, and am able to use that word. It helps to acknowledge that and lifts some of the guilt and doubt. I will send my 20-year-old daughter the link to your blog. She is investigating her experience and the truths behind the facade so she can be free. I think she’ll be very interested in your story, as am I. thanks.
Nathanael,
Kudos to you for having the courage to blog about your experiences in a controlling fundamentalist group.
I too was in an abusive bible group for almost 20 years. I have been fortunate that my extended family has never been invovled w/ the cult. They saw it for what it was. Unfortunately, I was blindsided.
I’ve lived & I’ve learned.
Also, I can relate to the the conflicting feelings after first leaving. when I left the group, I knew in my spirit something was NOT right w/ that “church”. If I would have thought it was right, I would have stayed. There were times when I wished I would have ran out of that place screaming…that’s how much what was being said contradicted what was inside of me. So much was about “this church!!!”….”the doctrine!!!”… not much about love.
However, I was so heavily indoctrinated that it was hard to see clearly. But I definitely had “doubts”…I was told those doubts about the group & doctrine were “of the devil”.
*SIGH*
I had in my mind all of the hurtful words & manipulative sermons.
That’s difficult to overcome, those condemning words…but over time I allowed myself to question the supposed true “doctrine” & “god”. I figured that surely God’s ego wasn’t so fragile that my questioning would cause him or her to freak out on me. I just believe that God is so much bigger than what some book or preachers says. I believed that God had to be so much more merciful & understanding than what I had heard from the bully pulpit all those years.
Well, just wanted you to know you are certainly not alone in this journey!
Others have been where you are & understand.
All of the best to you!
I’ll definitely be checking back to see how you are doing.
April Galamin – Griffiths
Hi Nat
Wow, good on you for firstly having the courage to leave the church and for writing about your personal journey. Obviously you know that I was in the church for 3 years. One of the things that haunts me to this day is the (what I call) physical abuse that is dealt out to the poor innocent little children (for not obeying the commands of their parents). I cant tell you how many times I would shed tears and feel so heavy in my heart for hearing kids being belted (at the church, at their home, or where ever). The beltings for pathetic reasons…I worry about these kids, what will the future hold. Why cant their parents be loving, kind and explain things to kids at their level, instead of having these pathetic expectations that little children should never be expected to understand…what will happen to them emotionally as they grow older? I am a mother myself to a wonderful and happy (now 8yr old daughter). I am so glad that she is no longer a part of this and I never (disciplined) her in that manner in the church…Sadly the ministry would have you beat your child into submission…that is so wrong
Looking forward to reading about your journey. :) Take care
Hi April, thanks for sharing. It’s hard trying to discern between a sense of “something isn’t right” and doubting yourself thinking that the problem is with you, especially when that very thing is preached about over and over again.
Yes the church didn’t feel right but for several years I was convinced I was to blame and that I should stick with it. Took me a while to come around to believing that I was not at fault, I had done everything humanely possible to contort my brain into trying to fit with the teachings and ways of the cult … but it just wasn’t going to work. Not ever.
Kez, I know – it’s very sad. It’s hard to know which is the greater evil, the spiritual abuse or the physical abuse.
The second and third pastors we had were fairly laid back compared to the first one we had – so in some ways you should feel lucky that you didn’t have to see some of the darker days of the cult in that regard.
Hi Nathanael
I just wanted to ask what Christian organisation this was. It sounds rather similar to one I was brought up in… and I’m quite intrigued. If you don’t want to mention it on here, I’m on twitter (livbambola).
Thanks
Liv
most likely know your parents
we have all wanted to write a book about herbie
most would have to be self published as there is not much interest in one person surviving the cult
people think that they can tow others to safety but just get caught up in their own ropes
the aimoo site has help but it also has just allowed us to to pick at the wounds.
WOW!!! Can I ever relate…grew up in a cult too…