Chapter 3
They get into everything
The cult I was a member of claimed to be the only true church in the world, that all other churches were a compromise, offering more convenient ways of following God in order to attract higher numbers of members at the cost of silently sabotaging other church members’ chances of making it to Heaven in the afterlife.
This claim was then used to empower the ministry to tell people how to run their lives.
It still surprises me how the network of pastors and other members of the upper echelons of the church seemed so disorganised yet still managed to impose such a tight command and control regime. Their disorganisation was one of the reasons why I found it so hard to believe they were a cult. Pastors didn’t go and study theology, they weren’t professional leaders, they weren’t very sophisticated yet they still managed to pull it all together into a manipulative front just as efficiently and effectively as non-religious cults such as certain multi-level marketing schemes do.
Pastors effectively had the power to change your destiny. If you chose not to obey them they could excommunicate you from the church and thus condemn you to Hell. You really didn’t have a choice even if the reasoning behind their instructions seemed unrelated to your relationship with God.
Some of the things that either myself or others were counselled by the cult ministry about included:
- Length of hair: Men weren’t allowed long hair. Even my haircut was deemed too long.
- Brand-name clothing: Curiously, only an issue at end-of-year church camps.
- Colouring of hair: Men weren’t allowed to colour their hair.
- Cars: Nothing expensive. Someone even got in trouble for buying a car in their favourite colour. Ministry deemed they were obsessed with that colour and it was interfering with their relationship with God.
- Houses: Nothing fancy. Just the minimum you need. Can’t be living too comfortably in this life.
- Business: I closed my business in 2007 on advice from the pastor because he decided it wasn’t good for me.
- Holidays: Had to ask permission to go on a holiday and it almost always (with the exception of honeymoons) had to be to a location where there was a church presence, which severely limited the options.
When I say “counselled” I mean instructed under the pretence of having a choice with the outcome that non-compliance would result in reprimand or ejection from the church for a period of time, usually up to 2 years or sometimes permanently for multiple errors.
There were other things I could mention on that list but I want to save them for dedicated blog posts later on.
Once you got sucked into the cult you were stuck in that city for the rest of your life unless God sent you somewhere else. The reasoning is that God must had chosen you to be witnessed to in that city and thus it is your job to then spread the Gospel to others in that city.
When I was growing up I wanted to be a meteorologist but I had to abandon that idea because it would have involved study in Melbourne and even though there was a church presence in Melbourne it would have involved too much time away from my home church.
Besides getting involved in many of our life decisions, the cult was also set up to keep you away from socialising with others outside the church and having your own time. There were meetings every Wednesday evening and all day Sunday with activities most Saturdays and public holidays plus the occasional Friday night prayer meeting and of course continual encouragement to spend time with each other during the week.
And you had to come to every single meeting and activity. The only exception was the Young People’s meetings where church members over 30 didn’t have to come unless the pastor specifically asked you to attend. If you failed to show up then you had to have a good reason – and being at home gravely ill was not an acceptable reason.
Other activities on weekends included “working bees” – compulsory slave labour to do things like help church members move house, church renovations etc. There were outings either local or meeting up with interstate churches for the day or whole weekend. Evangelical activities such as hostile take-overs of local parks and public areas handing out leaflets and preaching to unfortunate pedestrians.
The most dreaded weekend engagement was the days of prayer and fasting. Because of the significance of those days I want to reserve the details for later, but that was a very effective tool in blotting out members’ weekend calendars in order to distract them from the world (which could potentially lure them out of the cult) and enforce the power of the ministry.
wow how could your father get so sucked in. Although he he was looking at Christianity when he was a teenager.
I cant believe that his free spirit he had before he met your mum has been squashed. But isnt he breaking cult rule if he talks to you, as you are no longer a member. I am sorry to say this but i think he needs to wake up and divorce the woman who got him involved in the cult in the first place and be who he really is. we both had the same parents and i must say it wasn’t a very pleasant up-bringing with a drunk father but i am an atheist i dont need religion to help guide me through this world. I can stuff up my own world by myself and i dont need some else doing it for me
Nate….boy can I relate to what you have written here!
can I add some that the group I escaped from harped on & made into issues of “spirituality”?
I’ll add just for the thought of it, while there are hurting, starving & damaged people in this world, these were the *important* issues in the cult…..
…length of hair…a no no if too long on men/boys…
…the swaying/movement of hips while dancing….oh NO!!!…
…you must be baptised by one of *their* properly ordained pastors…
…baptism must be by submersion & if an inch is missed, you have to be re-dunked…
…once a member of that church, you are a member for the rest of your life in this world….unless you transfer to a sister cult…
…nobody ever leaves on good terms, if you want *out* even if you try to leave peacefully as we did, you are excommunicated, church disciplined & slandered from the bullypulpit…
…any & everyone who has ever “left the fold” is “evil”, ” a dog returning to it’s vomit”, “God’s enemy” & other horrible things!…
…keeping folks from moving away like you mentioned (stuck in one area the rest of your LIFE, unless you move to an area w/ a *sister cult*) (there’s another element to a “tape ministry” that I wont get into now)…
…Christmas, Easter & Halloween are sinful, worldy & to be avoided!…
…any & all other churches are NOT true churches, they are lukewarm christians & compromise the truth…
…church attendance is MANDATORY…& it often happened folks would come to church sick. The leader would come sick too…seemed like some type of demented Spiritual Olympics of who suffered the most for the sake of “church”…
…forced relationships w/ people. I tried, I really did…. We were told to “prefer” one another.
it all seemed false & I didn’t feel that “brotherhood” (yes, there were some nice folks…but it was not natural)…
that’s enough for now.
I am so glad to be out of that place!!!
Yaaay!!
I’m glad you have this blog!
:) :-)
Wow April, really sounds like you went to the same place I did – and I thought that the cult was supposed to be unique.
Then again maybe you really did go to the same church. I’ll have to drop you an email!
Hi Nate, please feel free to email me.
April :-)
April’s remarks “…once a member of that church, you are a member for the rest of your life in this world….” really resonated for me.
“Nobody ever truly leaves “.
A sinister statement by the leader of Siddha Yoga, which I was in for 16 years.
I left SY in 98. Couldn’t say never looked back, spider webs are sticky, but certainly don’t intend to go there again. Have moved on.
Andrew, glad you have moved on.
I like your “sticky spider web” statement…true.
Keep moving forward…
:-)
An absolutely fascinating read! I can really relate to your story. Don’t stop writing :)
I DM’d you.
Fascinating read. There are so many similarities with my upbringing.
It’s really interesting to read a male perspective of growing up in a cult. As a female, I always thought the males had it so much easier as I always felt that they had an easier time ‘blending’ into the real world.
I like Andrew’s comment about the “sticky spider web” – how true!
Thanks Ruth. In some ways I do think the guys get it easier because they’re not under the additional layer of control and “authority” as the women who are subservient to their husbands.
The flip side is that more is expected of the men, to be involved in the ministry, deliver sermons, take the lead on witnessing, take charge of running their household etc. It’s a lot of responsibility – they’re not allowed to show weakness or falter.
I wasn’t even married (let alone ever in a relationship) in the church yet was told that the young “sisters” (what they call the women – supposed to make us feel all warm and fuzzy like family) were looking up to me and I had to take the lead and set the example.
Hi Nat,
I’m so glad that is all over with. How happy my life is since leaving that depressing place. Its sad to think that if the sheep (suck up to the pastor’s) that it shows their faith in God. We know thats a load of crap. I think I would have ended up severely depressed staying in it any longer than i already did.
My heart goes out to all the little children also, who get beaten by their fathers for pathetic reasons (not that there should be any reason to flog your toddler/young child with a wooden spoon up to 10 times in a row or more-each beating). One regret I do have since i left that oppressive place, is that I wish that I contacted children’s services about the physical abuse some of the kids endured). I wont mention any names!!!!
It sounds like you have such a great and supportive woman in your life, I am so happy for you.
It’s funny how much of this sounds so familiar, when my cult is halfway around the world in another hemisphere from yours. Sunday morning service, Sunday night service, Youth group afterwards, Tuesday night service, 24-hour Prayer all week long, Youth Group again on Wednesdays, cleaning the pastor’s house as a “blessing” on Saturdays, keeping us all busy busy busy and always together. My babysitters were always from the cult. My mother worked at the pastor’s businesses until the day we left. Children were not named until the Prophet and Pastors were asked. Relationships were arranged by them, too. We kids and teens were all brought up as siblings, but told not to date outside of the church. Our only option was to seek mates in the only other place- our sister church in England… Or we could maybe bring in people from “outside” and hope that they weren’t scared off… The worst was that we were told, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), and that it meant that any sinful thing we thought was as if we had actually *committed* the sin. Terrible, terrible.
Hi Dagny, I assume you’re out of the cult now? How have you found living in the “outside world”?
I’ve been out since I was 16. I’m 33 now. Since I was still “just a kid”, I had to go with my family to another church after that. Things were relaxed a bit, but there’s just no trusting God after the cult experience. I’ve gone through life in a bit of a PTSD fog, just surviving. I turned to Paganism, and it’s still my religion of choice, though I’m kind of agnostic about it myself. *lol* I long for structure out of religion, and unless I go become Catholic, it’s just not gonna happen for me. There just aren’t any good established Pagan covens around here. *shrug* It happens. Anyway, this past year I decided I was tired of having the wrong reaction to things. I was tired of not knowing how I felt, of not being able to express my feelings, either correctly or at all. So I got help. It’s been a long road, and I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m sure I would be a huge disappointment to 16-year-old me. I am “of” the world, not just “in” it. *lol* We went to normal schools and all, just were told to keep ourselves apart from the “worldly” kids. I don’t know. I’m in a pretty good place in my life, therapy aside. My mother has taken to swearing this past year. :) Now *that’s* a shocker!!!
Hi nathaneal.
My brother has joined a cult that sounds identical to the one you were in- even the part about Melbourne being out of bounds! Do you have any advice for my family and I in trying to talk to him? He only tries to pick fights with us so he can claim to be oppressed and misunderstood by us now, usually speaks in bible quotes instead of actually trying to talk to people, and even when he isn’t quoting tries to sound as biblical/parable-ish as he can (usually sounding like something between yoda and a dodgy mystic), and has been convinced that he is Paul. We’re completely at a loss as to how to connect with him.
Urgh! And sorry for tyop-ing your name! I use the net on my phone, and it keeps autocorrecting everything before I post.
Cheers!
Hi Bonzai,
If he’s that deeply entrenched that he’s fighting against his own family and quoting Scripture then unfortunately I don’t think you’re going to have much luck.
The one thing that stood out to me was the lies about the “outside world”. The cult makes it out to sound like everyone outside the church is evil, possessed by the Devil with the sole purpose of dragging you down to Hell with them. Once I started making friends with the “outsiders” I realised that wasn’t the case at all – there were plenty of good people in the world, many of whom had even higher morals, more integrity and something to offer me than those in the church who were only trying to simulate those things.
So I suggest that you consider that he thinks of you as an outsider, the opposite of him, his cult and his way of life … and then show him that this isn’t true. Just show that you care about him, that you can exhibit the same qualities that apparently are exclusive to his cult. Don’t do anything that widens the “Us vs Them” divide. Close the gap.
If it’s a Bible-based cult then learn some of the trigger words and phrases that they teach people to watch for as signs of “wolves in sheep clothing”. Not suggesting you learn Scripture but won’t hurt to understand his vocabulary and his mental model of the world so you can use the language that means something to him and avoid saying things that will enforce his idea that you’re now evil.
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